Sunday, March 22, 2015

Chapters Thirteen-Fifteen: In Which Tessa Makes an Actual Friend

THESE CHAPTER SYNOPSES ARE BASED ON THE PRINT BOOK PUBLISHED BY SIMON & SCHUSTER, NOT THE WATTPAD VERSION.



CHAPTER 13
So after the disaster that was Tessa's first party, NOT paying attention to Hard-On tapping his fingers on the steering wheel of his car on the the way back to the dorms in the morning, and Anna Todd not knowing what a hangover is really like, we find Tessa ignoring Hard-On, who she can hear him in her head even when she goes shopping for actual things to fill her dorm room.
"Hard-On's obnoxious voice plays in my head: You know we are going to a party, not a church."
I love that, after everything that happened that night, it's this comment that she's focusing on. Seriously, she had the worst night of her life, and all she can think about is Hard-On judging her when the night started. This girl has some serious issues.

Thinking about her new clothes that she just bought, she's
"decided that I am no longer going to be going to parties with Steph"
Going, going... gone.
"Finally, it's Monday morning, my first day of college classes, and I couldn't be more prepared."
Really? Because I feel like you brought nothing with you, and you only mentioned buying clothes. Just because you're an English major doesn't mean that you don't need textbooks for your general ed classes. I'm really starting to wonder if Todd went to college. It says in her bio on the back of the book that she got married to her husband one month after graduating high school and he's in the military, so it's very possible that she just didn't go to college and is pulling this information right out of her ass. A lot like E.L. James.

Ah, yes, I feel vindicated now in ripping on her lack of college knowledge. She knows even less than I originally gave her credit for.
"I make sure I wake up extra early to make sure I can take a shower - without boys around - and not be rushed."
I guess Anna Todd wants to make sure that Tessa is making sure.

Okay, let's make one thing clear: if the dorm isn't coed, then the bathrooms aren't either. I thought this was so obvious, that when it was mentioned in an earlier chapter, I didn't even think to point it out.

Also, this:

Tessa reminds us that she's completely neurotic by telling us that her white-and-tan wardrobe is "perfectly ironed." I'm wondering where this iron came from? She couldn't have brought it with her, and she didn't mention buying it. Also, an ironing board is never mentioned in the dorm, and the chance of one even existing in the dorm is slim to none.

More editing mishaps:
"She hits the snooze button, but I wonder if I should I wake her."
Okay, Patrick.

When she goes early to her first class, she sees only one other person there who's just as early, and decides to sit next to him.
"He could be my first new friend."
Well that was a pretty solid blow to Steph and Nice Nate. She's also basing this assessment off the fact that he's the only other person in the room, and she assumes that they're going to get along just because he's also early for a class.

New Guy makes a joke about all the slackers who aren't super early like them, and then Tessa introduces herself.
"'I'm Tessa Young.'"

Young? Fucking seriously?
"'Landon Gibson,' he says with an equally adorable smile as the first one."
Seriously? Like Gibson guitars? FUCK YOU ANNA TODD.

Also, the sentence structure on that last one was left wanting. Maybe "he says with a smile as equally adorable as the first one"? God, I wish I could shut off the editing part of my brain sometimes...
"I decide now that he is someone whom I would like to see more of. As the class begins to fill, Landon and I make a point to introduce ourselves to the professor."
Okay. First, I'm so goddamn tired of her using the word whom. There are very few instances in the modern English language in which "whom" is appropriate. We really aren't in a Jane Austen novel, as much as Todd wants us to be.

Second, it's nice to see that Tessa is perpetuating her stereotype as a goody-goody by introducing herself to the professor. She's officially one of those people.
 "I love that college is different from high school and professors don't make you stand in front of the class and introduce yourself or do any other embarrassing and unnecessary things."
Yup, you read that right. No commas. None.

Also, I think it's cute that she thinks they don't still make you embarrass yourself in college. I've had multiple classes where I've had to get up and introduce myself, or memorize a poem to say in front of the class. So while she feels safe now, it's only a matter of time...

What were we missing on this perfect day? Well, it's time to take another shot, because in Tessa's next class (a Brit Lit class which Landon is also in), there's something that happens because fan fiction.
"I hear myself groan as Hard-On stumbles into the classroom."
I wonder why he stumbles in. Is it because he simply can't keep his balance (if she actually liked him, he'd be graceful, but because she hates him, he stumbles), or is it because he has a "pure inattention to structure" and is probably drunk or high for his first day of classes.

Landon hears her groan at the sight of him, and asks if she knows him.
"Hard-On must have quite the reputation on campus if someone as sweet as Landon knows of him."
I love how she's known this guy for a few hours and assumes he can only be sweet, and that sweet people can't associate with tattooed assholes. Then again, being a judging bitch is her best quality.

She locks gazes with him after groaning and once again notices the color of his eyes. Now that she's finally seen his green eyes, she's noticing them all the time. Added to the drinking game: whenever she talks about the green of his eyes. So, yeah, take a sip now.

Then there's this gem after he looks at her and she wonders if he'd heard her:
"It's not like he isn't aware that we don't care for each other."
Wouldn't it have made more sense to say that "It's not like he isn't aware that I don't care for him"? He's obviously aware that he doesn't care for Tessa; it's redundant to mention it in her hatred for him. I guess Hard-On wasn't a willing participant in the hatred.

Then, Hard-On sits in the desk next to her, but class starts and everything is blissfully quiet. After class, Tessa expresses her excitement of it to Landon, before realizing that Hard-On is walking next to them. Tessa snaps at him without Hard-On having said anything yet, which is really true to her character of being a bitch, asking him what he wants. He answers:
"'Nothing. Nothing. I'm just glad we have a class together,' he says mockingly."
I honestly wonder who he's mocking all the time. If Tessa had said to Landon that she was glad they had another class together, and Hard-On overheard, then that would be mocking Tessa. But he's saying things that are new and therefore he's not mocking anyone.

When Hard-On sexily pushes his hair back (something I can actually see Harry Styles doing), Tessa notices,
"an oddly shaped infinity symbol tattooed just above his wrist."
Ah, yes, the symbol from the cover has finally been revealed in the book. Truly, I was on pins and needles waiting for it...

After Landon bids Tessa farewell, Hard-On says,
"'You would find the lamest kid in class to befriend.'" 

I had to read this sentence over a second time. While I get what Todd was trying to say, there was no use of italics to indicate which word should be emphasized. P.S., would is the word that should emphasized. I'm just saying.

Also, befriend? BEFRIEND?

Tessa continues to be bitchy and, miraculously, becomes aware of it:
"I'm shocked at my harsh words. He really brings out the worst in me."
I guess the worst in you is the biggest part of you, because I feel like you bring out the worst in you. Hard-On just also happens to be an asshole. So it's more like you've found one of your kind.

Hard-On calls her feisty (and Theresa, so drink!) and she threatens:
"'If you call me Theresa one more time...' I warn and he laughs. I try to picture what he would look like without his tattoos and piercings."
Seriously, Tessa, what the hell are you going to do? You're so clearly intimidated by this guy, and yet you're threatening him. I'm definitely enjoying Hard-On; I'd laugh too if this little ghost of a girl was thinking about going up against me.

It also seems a bit random that she's picturing him without his tattoos and piercings after threatening him. I know that it would make him look less intimidating in Tessa's eyes, but that doesn't seem like a problem for her because she's giving him sass all the time.

Before the chapter ends, they're still walking together, and Hard-On spazzes out.
"We...get about twenty steps when all of a sudden he shouts out, 'Stop staring at me!'"


O-kay spazatron. I know Anna Todd is trying to make him seem unpredictable, but it just comes off as weird and doesn't make any sense. He's acting like they're on the playground in elementary school and Tess is going to give him cooties.



CHAPTER 14
Welp, it's suddenly Friday again! Tessa feels like she's had a fantastic week, and she's going to seriously celebrate.
"I plan on just watching some movies."

We all know that this is not going to happen. I mean, I know because I finished reading this chapter, but it's pretty obvious Tessa isn't going to get to be low-key until she gets broken out of her shell. The fact that it's fan fiction just won't let that happen (DRINK BECAUSE I SAID!).
"I grab my bag and leave early."
Umm where are you leaving early from? We're not told where she is; she mentions staying in her dorm room later, but she doesn't say she's there at the moment. Such great writing at work.

Wherever she's coming from, she decides to stop and get a coffee on her way to...somewhere. But the pink-haired girl Molly is working; the girl greets her neutrally and Tessa goes back to being her charming self:
"'Yeah. That's me,' I answer and turn to face the counter, attempting to avoid further conversation."
I wonder when Tessa will stop being a judgmental bitch. Or will at least try to disguise her unwarranted hate for everything.

Molly (like Flogging Molly?) politely asks if Tessa is going to the party that night, and Tessa tells her no. Flogging Molly informs her that Zedd was hoping to see her, which she laughs at. Luckily, her coffee order comes to the rescue, until,
"a little bit of coffee laps over the edge and burns my hand."

Oh, if only this book had a sociopath that fucked with the character's minds. No, wait, that's Hard-On.

Laps? What are we, on a lake?

After leaving the coffee shop, Tessa proves that she definitely exercises her double standard when it comes to Landon.
"Landon and I had made plans to start meeting at the coffee shop before classes."
So it's okay for you to hang out with Landon at coffee shops even though you have a boyfriend, but when Zedd is looking forward to seeing you, you laugh at it? It's the tattoos isn't it.

Landon tells her that he's flying back home for the weekend (it's literally only been a week; no one goes home that early in the school year), and she dreads going to Brit Lit without him and with Hard-On. But that's only
"if he shows. He was absent Wednesday, not that I was paying attention."
Yup, take quick chug of alcohol every time she claims she's not paying attention to something Hard-On does or does not do.

Hard-On does in fact come to class, and we learn that they're going to be starting Pride and Prejudice on the next Monday. This book better not ruin P&P for me. Seriously. Of course, it's one of Tessa's favorites. It's only right that she likes the most famous of Austen's works; Anna Todd probably hasn't read other Austen novels. Actually, she probably didn't even read P&P; she likely watched the Keira Knightly version.


Hard-On then assumes that she's "madly in love with Mr. Darcy," and Tessa is agreeable for once, admitting that every woman who's read the novel is...


I know I just made fun of this version, but Matthew MacFadyen is WAY hotter than Colin Firth in this moment. Those eyes.........

*clears throat*

Anyway, they apparently end up outside at some point. They reach an intersection and Tessa looks both ways before crossing the street. I have nothing against safety, but the only reason that Todd put this in is because she makes it clear Tessa is the only one looking both ways before crossing, and Hard-On is maintaining his pure inattention to structure position in life by throwing safety to the wind and not joining her in looking.

They continue talking about Mr. Darcy, and she once again thinks about the books back in his room at the frat:
"They couldn't possible his. Could they?"
Again, just because he reads, it doesn't mean that he's cultured or not an asshole. He is clearly both things, but she's assuming that because he has some chick-lit he should be a better person. If anything, he's learning from some of the worst people (including Darcy, until we find out he's a fucking angel) how to get the women they want.

Then we get some foreshadowing via P&P context, and I find that I hate Todd more than ever. Tessa tells Hard-On that he couldn't possible comprehend Darcy's appeal, and Hard-On replies:
"'A man who is rude and intolerable being made into a romantic hero? It's ridiculous. If Elizabeth had any sense, she would have told him to fuck off from the beginning.'"
Todd's transparency in KILLING ME!

Yeah, Darcy was very rude and completely intolerable at the beginning, but that was because he couldn't express his feelings adequately. It turns out that he was a total gem, and that everything Elizabeth thought about him was him just doing the right thing, and then doing things to gain Elizabeth's affection and undying love.

Hard-On is nothing like Darcy. I know for a fact that this guy is going to get worse, and not get better. Everything Elizabeth thought about Darcy was untrue, but I can tell by Hard-On's interactions with people he's supposed to care about that there's nothing of Darcy in him.

Okay, rant over...for now.

Tessa admits that she's enjoying their banter, but she's waiting a very specific amount of time before he says something hurtful again.
"three minutes, if I'm so lucky"
That's an oddly specific amount of time...if she's so lucky.

As she's waiting for him to say something hurtful, she makes the mistake of looking up at him to see dimples and she can't help noticing his hotness. I fucking hate this girl. A guy can be extremely hot, but if he's a total asshole consistently the moment he opens his mouth, I'm so turned off.

It's kind of like what happened in TFiOS when Hazel sees Gus put the cigarette in his mouth:


But of course, Gus wasn't really a smoker, so there goes that.

Now that Tessa seems to be pining a bit after Hard-On, we get a reaction from him as well:
"he stops suddenly and his laughter fades. Something flashes in his eyes."
Well... I'm slightly intrigued by this newest development. Of course, once he realizes that he's let some emotion slip, he calls her Theresa and peaces out. So drink!

And right on time, the moment Hard-On leaves, Golden Boy calls her to check in. The weird thing though is that he tells her he thought he'd just call her instead of texting her, but he also sounds distracted, and he tells her that he's going out with some friends. It gets even more interesting after she tells him that she's so ready for the weekend, and he says,
"'Are you going to another party? Your mom is still disappointed.'"
You fucking nark. Seriously, where does he get off telling her mom? Tessa wonders the same thing in the next paragraph:
"I love that he has a close relationship with her, but sometimes dating him is like having an annoying little brother who tattles on me."
And by a close relationship, you mean that they're screwing each other and your sad social life is pillow talk?

It's always so sexy when one compares their boyfriend of two years to a little brother. Really, I'm so turned on right now. Golden Boy really is just...a boy.

As soon as she decides not to bring up that he's being weird and tells him that she's staying in, he suddenly becomes Mr. Nice Guy and tells her he misses her and to call him later. Gah, mood swings!

Getting back to the room, Steph is getting ready for the party that Flogging Molly asked her if she was going to at the coffee shop, and we learn that Tessa actually has curves. She brings this up because Steph has them too, but unlike Steph who likes to "draw as much attention as possible to her" assets, Tessa wears clothes that hide those things. No wonder she judges Steph; they've got the same exact body type, but Steph has way more confidence. And you know what, I'm truly surprised that Todd wrote a main character with actual curves. If you consider Bella and Ana, they're both very skinny. Finally, something done right.

Steph tells Tessa that she wishes Tessa could go, and Tessa plans on really getting into those movies she was talking about earlier. But, of course, this happens:
"But then my laptop screen turns black and I press the power button and wait...and wait. The black screen remains."
BECAUSE FAN FICTION! DRINK!

And because her computer is kaput, she relents to going to the party. Because watching movies alone and going to another frat party are the only two options on a Friday night.
"'But we're leaving [the party] before midnight.'"
Yeah, okay, that's totally going to happen.



CHAPTER 15 
Now that Tessa has nothing better to do on a Friday night than go to a party that she doesn't want to go to, she changes out of her pajamas into jeans that are a little tighter than her usual pants because she needs to do laundry.


It's so cute that she feels like she needs to do laundry only after a week at college. Maybe it's because the only clothes she has with her are ones that she bought.

Steph admits that she actually likes Tessa's outfit (thanks?), and offers her eyeliner again. This brings back the painful memories of crying at the last party from her misfortune, and she wonders,
"Why did I agree to go back to that frat house?"
Because you're dumb and masochistic?

Steph tells her that Flogging Molly is coming to pick them up for the party instead of Nice Nate. Tessa comments on how she doesn't think that the pink-haired girl likes her, and Steph makes the leap that the girl is just intimated by Tessa.

Yeah, no.

But Steph explains:
"'I think just because you're so different from us,' she says and smiles. I know I'm different from them, but to me they are the 'different' ones."
I don't. I can't. There are no words for how stupid this sounds.

What about: I think it's just because you're so different from us? No?

We find out that Flogging Molly probably isn't going to the party for Hard-On, but for Zedd instead. Tessa seems baffled by the idea that she isn't dating Hard-On (ah, poor innocent child), and Steph says,
"'No way. Hard-On doesn't date. He fucks with a lot of girls, but he doesn't date anyone. Ever.'"
Sound like another controlling man-whore you might know? Like Christian Grey?

Once they get to the party, Tessa notices deftly that,
"The party tonight is the same as last week."
Brilliant deduction, Holmes!

It's interesting (read: it makes sense) that the car ride with Flogging Molly wasn't shown to us. I was looking forward to some awkward conversation and Tessa judging everyone. But, that would've meant giving Flogging Molly some depth, and we wouldn't want that.

Flogging Molly disappears as soon as they get there, just like Hard-On did at the first party (they're quite the pair, aren't they!). For some reason, Steph seems to magically disappear because Tessa finds herself alone on the couch FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR! Seriously, what the hell could you possibly be doing for an entire hour alone on a couch at a party?


But we know why, of course, because she was waiting for Hard-On to walk by, which is exactly what happens. She's so dependent on him already that she needed him to walk by in order to do something with herself.

UGH.

He eye-fucks her for a little while, and comments that her clothes actually fit her. Tessa appropriately rolls her eyes and wishes she was wearing something looser. I'm seriously getting concerned for why she insists on wearing loose clothes.

Hard-On tells her he's surprised that she's there, and she concurs, suddenly deciding that this is the time to walk away from him, even though she wishes he would've followed her. Too bad she hadn't been standing! I tried to find a stop-motion gif of someone moving while still sitting, but at least now you can visualize my humor.

Skip forward a few hours, and, of course, Steph is drunk again. This girl can just not hold her liquor. Zedd suggests they play Truth or Dare... Is this middle school? Oh, Todd, if only you'd actually gone to college.

So, everyone gathers around the couch like we're at a freaking sleepover, and Flogging Molly passes the bottle of alcohol to Nate who "takes a swig." Then we're told:
"Hard-On's hand is so large that it covers his entire red cup."
O-kaaay... You know what they say about large hands... *wink wink*

Tessa, of course, doesn't want to play Truth or Dare, and Hard-On says to Flogging Molly (who'd been the one to tell Tessa that she should play too),
"'To actually play, she would have to stop being a prude for five minutes.'"
HA! I really missed Hard-On being an asshole.

His true words make the others laugh, which makes Tessa mad. Clearly, people laughing at her is a trigger for her. But instead of telling them how she feels out loud, she internalizes:
"I am not a prude. Yeah, I will admit I'm not by any means wild, but I'm not some cloistered nun."
Really? Because it feels like you are a prude. Like when you seem to be using wild as some sort of curse word. And with cloistered being another word for sheltered, I think she's wrong on another count.

According to Wikipedia, cloistered nuns are actually a thing. "Their nunneries typically have walls separating the nuns from the outside world. The nuns rarely leave (except for medical necessity or occasionally for purposes related to their contemplative life) though they may receive visitors in specially built parlors, often with either a grille or half-wall separating the nuns from visitors. They are usually self-sufficient, earning money by selling jams, candies or baked goods by mail order, or by making liturgical items (such as vestments, candles, or hosts to be consecrated at Mass for Holy Communion)."

THIS SCREAMS TESSA.

Flogging Molly, of course, gets dared to flash her boobies to everyone, Steph reveals the truth that her nipples are pierced (of course they are) and Hard-On calls Tessa Theresa, so DRINK! But, now, it's her turn, and she has a problem with her alcohol.
"'Truth or dare, Theresa?' Hard-On asks and I gulp.
'Truth?' I squeak.
He laughs and mutters, 'Of course,' but I ignore him [...]
'Okay. Are you...a virgin?' Zedd asks, and I choke."
Oh, I just love this whole exchange. Of course she would say truth. She's never done anything remotely daring in her life. But I don't think she realized that she was screwed either way, and at least with a dare, she would've gotten to keep her secrets. Not that she doesn't already exude virginity like it was Axe body spray on a guy.

I'm also wondering what she choked on? She hadn't had anything to drink... If Todd had said that she'd choked on her words, or on her spit, that would've at least made sense. But, no, she just choked.

She explains (only to herself, of course):
"Of course I'm a virgin; the furthest Noah and I have gone is making out and some slight groping over our clothes, of course."
Of course.

So basically, what we should be saying to this judgmental girl is:


We end this chapter with passing the Truth-or-Dare torch to Hard-On, hoping that'll get the attention off herself. Yeah, fat chance there lamby.


When to take a shot or take a sip of something alcoholic:
  • Tessa calls someone or something rude or boy.
    • And if it's rude boy... double shot.
  • Tessa refers to tattoos in a bad light
  • The chapter ends with a mysterious someone appearing, and that mysterious someone is Hard-On.
  • The chapter ends with Tessa falling asleep.
  • Tessa judges Steph without warrant.
  • Every time something in the plot happens and I say, "because fanfiction" or any variation thereof.
  • Hard-On calls Tessa "Theresa"
  • When Tessa comments on the green of Hard-On's eyes

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