Saturday, February 21, 2015

Chapters Four-Six: In Which Tessa Judges Everyone

THESE CHAPTER SYNOPSES ARE BASED ON THE PRINT BOOK PUBLISHED BY SIMON & SCHUSTER, NOT THE WATTPAD VERSION.

CHAPTER 4
At the end of chapter 3, Tessa rushes back to her dorm room with wet clothes and only a towel around her, and comes to find the asshat Hard-On alone in there.
When she asks him where Steph is, she decides to...
"try to sound authoritative..."
Aw, how cute! If it wasn't obvious before with how she acts with her mother, this girl doesn't tend to stick up for herself very often.

Unlike her mother, she calls Hard-On a boy (only in her head, of course), and then proceeds to ask,
"'Did you hear me? I asked you where Steph is,' I repeat, trying to be slightly more polite this time."
I don't know about you guys, but I read what she said with some serious attitude. I'd be mad too if some guy was in my dorm room on my first day of freshman year, and here I am in a towel.

Actually that'd be kind of hot...

FAN FICTION!

After she tries being more polite,
"The expression on his face magnifies..."
In what way can an expression on one's face "magnify"?


Then, Hard-On is a total dick by telling her not to flatter herself because it's not like he was going to look. Wondering why he says this, she thinks,
"Maybe he isn't straight."
Not this again (think Ana in FSoG)! Maybe he's just not attracted to girls without tattoos. Maybe you're being a bitch. I don't know, but just because he's being a dick to you, doesn't mean that he's gay. Maybe he just doesn't like you, and, frankly, my dear, I don't like you either.

So she gets dressed with him in the room (which COMPLETELY contradicts her earlier fear of him seeing her naked), and she puts on a risque ensemble of a plain white shirt and khakis. Ah the lack of sexiness personified in functional yet unflattering khaki shorts. I continue to not be surprised by how stereotypical Tessa is.

As a side note, she uses the word "rude" three times on just the first page of this chapter. UGH.


Hard-On asks if she's done getting dressed yet, and I'm proud to say that she snaps back at him. But then this gem of a sentence is bestowed upon us:
"And while I await for his apology...he bursts into laughter."
You can "wait for his apology" or "await his apology", but you can't "await for his apology".

Because, of course, maybe if we use fancy language, people will know what we're talking about.


[go to :08]
Okay, Patrick.

Finally, Steph comes back, and apologizes to Hard-On first for being late, explaining that she has a terrible hang-over. Of course she has a terrible hangover, because she's someone who shows a clear "pure inattention to structure" and is therefore an alcoholic as well as a bad girl. Then she gives a half-assed apology to Tessa, even shrugging apologetically... Good looking out.

Tessa calls Hard-On some form of boy at least a couple more times. We get it; you think he's immature. But so are you, so get over yourself.

She mistakenly calls Hard-On Steph's boyfriend, and then they BOTH laugh at her. And she wonders:
"What is it with people laughing at me? It's getting really annoying."
That's because you're being stupid and annoying. At least she knows that they're laughing at her. And yet the reason why continues to allude her...

After Steph tells Tessa that Hard-On has a unique way of conversing (whatever the hell that means), Todd pumps out another gem of a sentence:
"Lovely, so basically what she is saying is that Hardin is, simply, at his core, a rude person."
So I guess when you decided not to use commas for a while, you were waiting for this sentence to put them all in. I basically and simply just can't right now.

Also, I don't know why, but I get the feeling that Tessa thinks Hard-On is rude... But I'm not sure. Can I get a show of hands, kids?


After Steph laughs at Tessa, she invites her to a party. Another person with crazy mood swings... Yay...

But Tessa claims,
"'I can't go to a party--I don't even know anyone.'"
One: you're talking to two people you know. You never said you had to know them well, just that you wanted to know someone there. So...

And two: again, what happened to wanting to make friends?

Steph isn't taking no for an answer, and gets kind of clingy by begging Tessa to come to the party... weird. And then, wondering if she should trust Steph, Tessa thinks,
"Steph seems quite sweet."

Lollipops and unicorns are quite sweet, not people.

Ugh, word choice woman!

And by this, she means "quite sweet" for a heathen with tattoos.

Hard-On is once again a dick to Tessa (I feel a theme coming on...or a drinking game), who wants to throw something at his curly head... I don't remember his hair being described as curly (and Harry Styles definitely doesn't have curly hair), but whatever.

This chapter ends with Steph enthusiastically telling Tessa that they'll have the best time at the party, and Tessa "practically prays" that she's right.

Yeah, I can see this going well.


CHAPTER 5
After Hard-On leaves, Tessa becomes manic again, and tries to "align" her books. I wonder if these are her textbooks that she didn't bring with her and just magically appeared, or the other ones that she brought from home.

Tessa asks if the party is within walking distance, and Steph says no, but Nice Nate will drive them. So Hard-On was a total asshole about driving Tessa to the store where he wouldn't have to worry about being DD, but Nice Nate is willing to drive to a party where he'll have to be conscious of his alcohol consumption. Way to take one for the team, Nice Nate.

The whole DD thing is, of course, assuming that these new friends are responsible, but, if we're to believe the stereotypes Todd has handed us on a silver platter, then I'm pretty sure Nice Nate's going to flake out on being DD. Because that's something someone with a "pure inattention to structure" would do.

We find the word rude twice on the first page of this chapter alone, and she also calls him a boy--specifically a rude boy. Editing at its finest.

After calling Hard-On said above repeated word, she so graciously thinks to herself:
"If anything, he should be grateful that I'm not judging him for the way he has destroyed his body with holes and tattoos."
YOU HAVE BEEN JUDGING HIM FOR THIS EXACT THING THE ENTIRE TIME SINCE THE MOMENT YOU MET HIM!

I feel like this author is trying so hard to make Tessa the opposite of Hard-On, that she ends up making her into a complete bitch.

When Steph asks Tessa to help her pick out a dress for the party, Tess weirdly,
"keeps looking around for a hidden camera and someone to jump out and tell me this is all a joke."
Umm... what?

Because Ashton Kutcher has nothing better to do. Even Joey Greco has better things to do.

"The heels of her shoes are at least four inches tall."
That charlatan! That whore! How dare she wear four-inch heels?
"That we're both unfamiliar with each other is oddly comforting."
I hate everything about this sentence. I don't know why; it just needs to not exist. I'm never comforted by the fact that I'm not familiar with someone. But do you know what I do to remedy that? I GET TO KNOW THEM.

Tessa suddenly asks if Steph's tattoos hurt when she got them. Here's how Steph explains them:
"'It's almost like a bee stinging you over and over.'"
Not only is this woman a terrible writer, but she also has no idea how tattoos actually feel. I have a friend who's gotten multiple tattoos, and she says it's like scratching a bad sunburn, and your bones seem to vibrate. Now, I know we all have different pain thresholds, but a bee stinging you over and over again sounds extremely painful, even though she'd said in the sentence before that it was "not as bad as you would think."

Also, technically, a bee can't sting you over and over again; once it stings you, the stinger detaches itself from the body, pulling out the bee's guts with it, and it dies...


This bitch.

Steph comments on Tessa's prude dress, and Tessa immediately gets defensive.
"'What is wrong with my dress?' I ask, trying to hide how offended I am."
Well, you're doing a shit job of it!

Like you hadn't been judging Steph for her wardrobe the moment you walked into the room.

In describing the dress to us, she says the material is "soft but sturdy." Are you looking to buy a reliable car? Or a house perhaps? Honestly, her dress has enough sturdy material to cover a house. Here's how we know:
"The collar goes up to my neck and the sleeves are three-quarter length... 'It's barely below my knee.'"
You could fit an entire pest control team under there.
"I can't tell if she can see I'm offended or not, but for some reason I don't want her to know this about me."
I literally threw the book on the ground after reading that sentence. God-fucking-dammit.

Tessa ends the chapter with a little sass, and we move on.



CHAPTER 6
The gal pals are getting ready for the big dance, and Steph asks if Tessa wants to use any of her makeup. Tessa tells us readers that she prefers to wear minimal makeup (because she's nothing like rebel-Steph, who wears too much makeup), but concedes to a little eye liner. Already, she's changing herself. Probably for Hard-On, even though she claims to dislike him. Ah, young love.

And this is where Steph gets weird.
"'Your eyes are so unique - want to trade?'"
This isn't some Minority Report bullshit! [if you don't know what I'm talking about, for your viewing pleasure: http://vk.com/video89383502_147359792]

And just when I was really starting to like Steph...

When Nice Nate arrives, Tessa slips on... wait for it... "flat, white Toms."

So many things wrong with this. First: most Toms are flat, so you didn't really need to specify. Now, there are wedges and heels made by Toms, but I'd be willing to bet a substantial amount of Monopoly money that we're told they're flat because she doesn't want to seem like a whore (like Steph, who's wearing those scandalous four-inch heels). They're also white, which symbolizes innocence, and she's clearly never been to a college party(or any party) because wearing white shoes is like a signing a death-warrant for the poor bastards.

But, if you know anything at all, ever, you already knew that. I wonder if Todd knows what she did there...or if she knows anything at all.
"Nate is waiting out front of the building, heavy rock music blaring out of his car's rolled-down windows. I can't help but glance around to see everyone staring. I keep my head down and just as I look up, I see Hardin lean up in the front seat. He must have been bending down. Ugh."
Oy. This whole thing is just wrong. So wrong.

"Waiting out front of the building"? The fuck does that mean?

Of course he's blasting heavy rock music, because white guys with tattoos only listen to screamer music.


Everyone is obviously staring at Tessa, not the car with heavy metal blasting out of its windows. She must feel so dirty getting into a car with such tasteful music. This is assuming, of course, that college students are staring because they've never heard such blasphemous music (or loud music of any kind) coming from a car.

Lastly, HOW THE HELL DO YOU LEAN UP?
"'You do you know that we are going to a party, not a church, right, Theresa?'"
Oh, good, her real name is Theresa. Like mother Theresa. Be more transparent, Todd. 

And Hard-On sounds like a robot. Todd, learn to use some bloody contractions, you fucking amateur.

She totally freaks out about him calling her Theresa, and wonders how he knew that was her name. Calm down, he's just trying to be an adequate asshole. He guessed your name is Theresa because, logically, that's where the nickname Tessa would come from. I know, crazy.
"I stare out the window, trying to drown out the loud music as we drive."
In what way does staring out the window drown out the loud music. Are your eyes loud when you stare?

When they pull up to the frat house, Todd freely admits that she's stereotyping the place. Good to know that she's at least somewhat aware of her stereotyping. Maybe. Probably not. Anyway, they pull up to the frat house, and Tessa is quick to judge...
"The lawn is full of people holding red cups, some of them dancing, right there on the lawn." 
THE HORROR!

This isn't Footloose, lady; this is college. Calm your tits.

Oddly enough, everyone else at the frat party treat Hard-On like he's an asshole as well, which is refreshing. But that's not what surprises Tessa...
"What surprises me is that no one else that I see is covered in tattoos like he, Nate, and Steph are."
Because all college students that party at frat houses have tats. Obviously.

Then, after she thinks that, maybe she can make some friends tonight after all, since no one else has tattoos and she just CAN'T be friends with people that have tattoos, Steph asks if she's coming and smiles at her. Maybe Tessa should be more like Steph and stop being such a judgmental bitch all the time.

The chapter ends with her smoothing down her dress. Just riveting.


THE AFTER DRINKING GAME:
Shall we take shots for how many times she calls someone or something rude or boy from now on? I think I'll need to. And if it's rude boy... double shot. If she refers to tattoos in a bad light, take a shot as well. Let's all be drunk together!


A SUMMARY OF READING THESE CHAPTERS: I'M SO GLAD I HAVE WHISKEY RIGHT NOW.


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